If this is love, I'd rather have a sandwich

SO I met someone. things were going great, at least I think they were. But I don't know. I find it so hard to tell. I let down my guard and have let myself open up to the possibility, and then I get so confused. We haven't talked much in the last few days. I know that's sometimes normal, but I'm worried that maybe I misread something and she doesn't feel towards me what I feel towards her. Maybe she's not falling for me. It hurts to think this. I guess that's why I never said anything to her I just don't want to be that exposed.

Why am I so needy? I hate feeling like this. My whole heart aches with the thought that I don't mean as much to her as she means to me. Never trust. never open up. these things kept my heart safe, my thoughts my own. I almost never stop thinking of her.

Here's an object lesson, because apparently I forget sometimes. There are reasons why it's better to be alone. Don't have to deal with this bullshit as much.

Happy new year and all that drivel.

Ah, the new year, now almost a day old and I'm already complaining about it. that's just sad Ryan. I know why I'm complaining, I'm depressed and lonely. Am I lonely because I'm depressed or depressed because I'm lonely? I dunno, I think I just want to find someone that I can actually care about.

I know I go through this all the time, and then I come to a point where I say that I don't. the truth is that I do. I miss being with someone and all that other crap is just me trying to feel better about it.

I started talking to someone who seems pretty cool. I know that if she got to know me, or when she meets me, she'll realize just how incompatible we are. I could see myself falling in love with an image in my mind at this point, because I feel the need to be in love. Just not with anyone real. Too much chance of getting hurt. Why am I so afraid? *SIGH* Because I still don't believe that I am good enough.

Happy new year, it's just another day.

repetitive

Why is it that life always seems to follow the same cycles? I start feeling good about myself, I think things are ok, then something happens to knock me down, and then something else comes along to kick me in the nuts.

I don't understand why I've never gotten over Liza. I don't understand how it is that 4 years later here I am still messed up over her. I'm so messed up I can not open up to anyone in a meaningful fashion. I can't feel anything anymore.

all I want to do is scream and rage at the world.

All I want to do is be able to open up to someone. I want to be able to fall in love, but I don't feel like I can. I want to take my keyboard right now and smash everything on my desk, but I won't.

What is love? love is pain as far as I can remember. Love is loss, love is hurt, love is rejection and loneliness. I can't remember really the good parts of being in love. Was it belonging? I think it was kind of like being under a warm blanket on a winter morning, snuggling into a comfy bed and knowing that you didn't have to get up if you don't want to. Or maybe that's just what I wish it were like.

Love is compromise, love is disappointment. Love is taking the bad with the good.

The other day my parents took me to a restaurant. The only other time I had been there was with Liza and her mom. I mentioned that, but also said as how that was a part of my life that was shut down and closed off. My mom made some kind of comment pointing out that I was saying I hadn't taken anything good from the relationship. That's when I started thinking about it, and realized that I couldn't remember the good. Hell I really can't remember the bad either, I remember the aftermath. I feel kind of like an amnesia victim. Well after that other stuff reminded me of her, until I found her picture in a box of stuff at work. This made me sad again. I wished I could remember or feel again what I must've felt with her. Then I find out that my co-worker knows her and he points out to me again that she got married recently.

I know it's been 4 years, but I'd like to think that other people are having as shitty a time of this whole dating thing as me. I really don't want to hear about how a girl who didn't want to care about anyone when she ended things with me found somebody and got married before I even found someone I was halfway interested in. and was interested in me too.

This is just the world kicking me in the nuts again. It's not enough that I felt bad before, I have to feel really shitty.

WHY CAN'T I FORGET ABOUT HER AND MOVE ON? WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF WITH THOUGHTS OF HER?

why can't I love? why can't I cry? why? why? why? All I have are questions, no answers.

a day to give thanks, hmmmmmm

I'm thankful for the time I get to spend alone. I'm thankful for the job that is killing me. I'm thankful that I don't know what I should be thankful about. I'm thankful for being in debt. I'm thankful that I have a place to live and food to eat.

it's been a while

I had sex with someone the other day. It didn't make me feel good, it didn't make me feel bad, it didn't make me feel anything. It's like I just had to let off some steam.

I've been feeling more and more lately like I am better off on my own. Not all the time, and not forever, but most of the time I'm happier not dealing with anyone else's stuff. getting everyone else around you to be happy and content is draining. Emotionally and mentally.

I miss therapy. Talking with someone else really helped me to think things through. It had to be someone not involved in my life. The problem is, I know that I have no ideawhat I want with my life. I'm almost thirty years old, and it's like I'm waiting for mom to come and scold me that I'm not doing my chores or something.

Work's been hard lately. It doesn't help that I feel almost personally responsible for what's going on. I know that there are people out there who could've done more or better, but really not that works with me. I guess I just feel powerless to make things better, so somehow I have mentally accepted the blame for all of it. How badly do I just want to coast and not do anything? Pretty badly, but the problem is that I can't. There's a question that they tend to ask in interviews, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" The truth of the matter is I can't. Personally or professionally I don't see a future for myself. I'm not going to do anything drastic and stupid like end myself, but I just have a mental block where it comes to planning my future, or making things better.

People like me which is in and of itself surprising to me, what with all the bad things people say about my personality or the way I treat people or even just about me. Hell I don't know I guess it's another one of those mental block things, I just can't see anything good about myself. This sin't a cry for "Oh please please tell me something good about myself so I can stop crying myself to sleep." because it's not. It's just what it is. Plus I don't cry. Well, not in a while. I almost did in thereapy, but then I just choked it back. I wonder why. I mean she's got to be used to it. Some part of me wouldn't let it happen.

You know, it actually does bother me that normal for me is the lack of feeling. That when I start to worry when I start feeling bad all the time. It should be a big warning sign that I don't feel good most of the time.

I guess ultimately it doesn't matter, it is what it is. My life doesn't suck, but maybe the way I live it does.I'm constantly complaining about little things, but then don't most people? I check out and obsess over women I have no intention of approaching. I blow off the advances of a couple of others. It's all part of being human. We seek for we know not what.

I know I won't change, or if I do, it won't be very drastic, or maybe not very permanent a change. But maybe accepting things about me is another newer way. Probably not. I say a lot of the same things a lot of different ways. I say a lot of different things a lot of the same ways. Basically, I'm not a bad guy, I'm not a good guy. I'm just a guy. I'm as screwed up as anyone else in this world, I'm just willing to admit it. Don't saddle me with the good things you want to think about me, because you'll just be disappointed. Don't expect awful things from me either, or it's disappointment all around, and I just can't deal with disappointing that many people all the time. I mean I already have a hard enough time eating and sleeping.

And if you want to know just how messed up I am sometimes, I didn't pay my water and it got shut off. Not because I didn't have the money, not because I forgot, but because I just reallyfigured that somehow I could get away with not paying until I actually deigned to do it.

I want to tell more people I just don't care, but then that would lead into a whole big discussion about why I should care about their pet cause, their religion, their political views, their whatever. Well maybe I do care, but it's easier to not, because then you don't have to put yourself out there for just anyone to come up and kick you in the crotch.

post birthday blues

you load sixteen tons and what do you get? another day older and deeper in debt.

Hmmmmm, I'm 29. I really am now. Nothing we can do about it. oh well. My brother is 33 as well. I didn't want to do anything for my birthday and I think I was successful in avoiding any of that garbage. I am going to Vegas on Sunday. the scotts and Miriam are as good of company on this jaunt as anyone could wish for. I know we'll have fun.

I don't really want to talk about anything going through my head lately. it's just too much.

Serenity Now!

I saw Serenity over the weekend. It was pretty good. If you can see it, do. If you can't see it, buy a ticket anyway. The dialogue is snappy, the storyline's intense. you'll laugh, you might cry, like a baby. A hungry angry baby.

It's based on firefly, a very short lived TV series that was cancelled before its time, because the network had no plans for dealing with what it was, and decided to not let it become what it was going to be. If you're curious, get the DVDs of the show, it's good, well for people who are interested in good television. If you're primarily interested in reality TV, or talk shows then there's no hope for you.

why do I bother, why do I care?

why do I bother keeping a blog? those of you who may come across this and wonder about my whiny meanderings are probably thinking just that.

I think it has something to do with thinking that what I have to say is important. If not to anyone else, then to the universe. Sometimes we have to just spill these thoughts out there to be a record of this point in time. What did people think, why were they so whiny? what minutae of life are they droning on about on this day in that year?

Ok so actually I don't think it's important even for that extent, I do it, because I have to get these things out.

been so bored this weekend. That's not because I have nothing to do, it's because I want to do none of it. I really should start on my work work, but I was just thinking of getting some brownies and that takes priority., why? because I said so.

I've been really kinda sexually desperate lately. I really think I need to get laid. I think that would calm down all of the needs in my head. I wonder if I know anyone who wants to be friends with benefits? probably not, either they don't want to have sex or they'd get too attached. I need someone that either I can get attached to back, or someone who just needs a shag. I know this kinda goes against what I've been saying lately, but biology is a funny thing. When the chemicals in my body react to certain stimulus, I need to get it on. Although there really hasn't been anyone that I could have sex with lately.

for those keeping tally of such things, 19 emails sent on match.com 3 received, no second emails received. 2 winks received, about 30 sent. This is the kind of thing that makes you want to wrap your lips around a revolver. But I'm not going to let it get to me. Bitches of the world unite.Just to piss me off.

TGIF? nah, they've got bad food.

You know it's friday when you wonder what happened to the rest of your week. Hmmm, I don't know. I don't think it was sleep, because I have vague memories of trying to get to sleep.

I don't know what I'm saying.

Frankie says relax

You know, there was a point in my life where I was relaxed and things didn't phase me, I call that infancy. I tried for years to pretend like nothing phased me, but it left me feeling hollow and a little bit see-through, like a ghost.

Now I do actually try to care about things, which makes it alternatively easier and harder to relax. First if you care abou things, you don't have to work so hard to pretend disinterest, but second, if you care, you have to show that you do. I'm a little bit leery of sharing so much of myself, but that's how it is.

For anyone who is interested, my foray into online dating has netted me no results so far. I have had 3 emails and a wink. Wooo, so impressive.

Anywho just remember, Frankie says Relax.

she's not there

been listening to a song by the Zombies, "She's not there." It was redone by Malcolm Mclaren called "About her." sounds good. wish I could make music. ah well.

I don't know anymore. I mean I want to have a girl in my life, but I don't want it to be the wrong one.

Once more into the breech dear friends

So, I was feeling ok with myself for a while, and you all know what that means, it's time to try online dating again. That's right, it's time to test my mental armor by getting rejections and ignores.

Sometimes I think it's just a part of my nature that I have to try and try again. hmmmm, well I guess I just like to feel small.

the worst habits stick with you

You know, I can't recall when I stopped doing work I needed to. When i started putting things off until I absolutely needed to turn it in, and then work feverishly on an item that is not my best effort.

It's followed me late into life, I'm still fighting against my own apathy and ennui. I'm trying to be good when given a project, but I find myself loafing. Man, I'd rather . . . starts most of my thoughts about stuff I need to do.

kitty is so cute, he keeps bringing his feather stick to me, he even plays fetch with it. It's kinda pathetic how much I love that cat.

Made with real fruit juice

I bought myself a minute maid Natural flavors fruit punch, because I figured it was healthier than soda. Well it is only slightly. I looked at the bottle, hoping to see 100%juice, ok well hoping in a wistful, wishfull way. Like when you hope that you'll find the golden ticket, or something like that. What I more expected to find was 10% juice, nope 3% is what I found. Oh joy, that's like wanting a fruit salad, expecting a fruit cup, and getting a grape.

I guess I expected too much. Ah well, it's something that means nothing in the long run.

Hello world, I hold you close to my heart, you may not be the best of all possible worlds, but you try.

wow, that was positively positive. That sounded nothing like me. I'm no pollyana. brainy brainy now worky today. I need to sleep more and stay awake less. Yup that's my new plan for not being tired. I wonder if anyone has ever thought of that before. :)

ya lost me at hello

Here's something I don't get, how is it that you can be friends with someone and not have anything in common and nothing to talk about? Amber, this chick with a kid who keeps calling and texting me because we're friends. She's the one that was just popping out of the car asap after I took her out. anyway. I hung out with her last night, her kid was out, she turned off the lights to watch a movie, but didn't sit next to me, and really didn't talk to me much. I almost fell asleep. She texted me the other day when i was going to bed, asked what I was doing. i said going to bed, U? she sent back, watching the game and having a drink, night. Ok I figured that's the end of it, but get a text, wish I had someone to watch it with and get a drink with. *SIGH* I know this conversation, even though I'm notdating her, I know it's not over. "Do you want to call me?" "Not if you're going to sleep." lie lie lie, If she was worried about me going to sleep she would have left it with "night" so I sent back "Call me" was she distressed, depressed or any other way upset? nope. What did we talk about? I have no idea.

I know she's not interested. She doesn't act interested. She doesn't like any of the things I like, She is a real neat freak, which I am fairly slovenly. It's like after hanging out for an hour or two, oop, she's done. See ya, text ya later. But it's like If I don't txt back because I have nothing to say or nothing worth saying, and don't call I get this txt that's like, "I haven't heard from you this week, are you mad at me?" I wish I had the stones to confront her about it, "What does this thing mean to you? Why do you keep talking to me? Are you like vaguely interested, but not enough to put yourself out? Are you just confused by my not trying to get physical with you?"

In short, I carry on with this because A. It's harmless, and B. it's a novelty.

comment spamming

Wow I got 16 comments yesterday, I think 1 of them is a valid comment. I may very well be wrong as regards to at least one more, but the rest were spams about selling items or services or whatever. Ha, what they don't know is that generally no one reads this blog. :P

It was weird seeing that many comments emails. I wonder about those people who have very active comments on their blogs.

Well Kitty was so happy to be home. I really felt better and slept better knowing he was safe. I guess he is my son to that extent that I worry about him. although he does have nasty cat food breath, he must get that from his mother. :)

I've been thinking about it lately and I really don't want to have a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. And unless it's late and I'm tired and in that frame of mind, I don't even really want to be physical with someone else. I think I'd much rather find a woman to be a really good friend with that can move in to something more. I really just don't know what I really want. I do however know generally what I don't want. And that's a bad relationship followed by a bad breakup.

the cat is back

I am so happy that my cat has been found. I was so miserable the last couple of days. I should be able to sleep tonight. next comes posting signs.

Notice:
Do not let the cat outside
Do not leave doors open
Do not let the cat go through doors as you do
The cat is not an outside cat
I do not want him outside
Cat + Outside = NO

My kitty

My kitty is missing. Last night, Joe, the guy renting my room, left the back door open. I've told him in the past not to do that, I told him not to let my cat outside. He's not an outside cat, has never been out there, and I don't want him to go outside. Well needless to say, he went outside since an open door is a temptation that no cat can resist.

I was feeling pretty lousy as it was, I just wanted to be left alone so I could wallow in my misery. So before I went to bed I was looking for my cat. "What's up" Joe said. "Where's my cat?" I said. a brief review of the house yeilded no feline. Joe stepped out into the backyard, "Is that him? I'll get him." Joe lunged.

A cat that has never been outside will most likely be intimidated, and any largelumbering mammal appears to be a predator, so he ran. after 2 hours of fruitless searching and calling for him, I put some wet food out and hoped for his return. I was so furious that he was allowed to get out. I almost told Joe and his chick to get out. I slept like 3 hours, took a drive through my neighborhood to see if I could spot him, and then came to work.

I love my cat. He's my buddy. He is the coolest pet I've ever had. He's my baby and one of my best friends. He is one of the biggest reasons why I couldn't top myself. He'd better come back. If he does I am going to be sooooo happy. I'll probably cry.

I've got flyers printed up to hang in the common area.

I was soooo tired yesterday. I guess that's what you get when you don't go to bed when your body tells you to. I stayed up trying to level my character in final fantasy on Monday night. Last night I was up until nine and then passed out. As I said, I was tired yesterday. Coming home and doing yard work deffinitely did not help. I filled up my trash can, so tonight, I'll have to do more once my trash is empty.

I think roomate was having a spat, a tiff, or whatever with his chick. You know, i don't want to get too friendly or anything with her, because of the way he treats her, I figure it'll just blow up sometime soon. Plus she's so young, almost 21. She may have had some life experiences, but she hasn't grown up yet.

Joe and Sarah both seem fairly shallow, and childish. Big fun Deal. I'll just live my life and let them worry about theirs. I don't need any more drama, there's always television if I feel like I need some. I think I will go with people on Friday to Sugardaddy's maybe I can get a hookup. It really doesn't matter. Maybe I can have some fun.

Class of 95 reunion blues

So I went to the reunion on Saturday. Wow, that was exciting. First of all, when did everyone turn into such old ladies? we were all on our way out by 10:30. I mean sure, some people were going to a bar or two, but most everyone was going home. And we went home because our DD is old lady supreme. He hated it, he hated everyone and couldn't find the fun.

So I got there and I was all apprehensive about my jacket. Nothing like borrowing an ugly jacket from your dad to make you apprehensive. but we rolled up and there were guys with short sleeve button up shirts strolling over, well crap I can ditch the jacket. WOOT! ok so I have my flask of southern comfort, a pocket full of protection and stuff for my breath, a pen, and $20.

Inside, I feel like I'm in high school again. I immediately dislike everyone and feel like I'm worthless, time for a couple beers.

The speech from our then principal was rushed because her daughter was giving birth.

Someone I knew in high school was a tranny, not sure if there was an operation or not, don't want to know.

I dropped a listerine strip in a friend's drink, and was vastly amused. I hit on a waitress and was rejected for phone # twice. All in all a full evening.

recap

So, not only was I feeling sick yesterday and had to go buy a new tire, apparently I had to buy 2. WOOT!!! ok not so cool. anyway, I had something in my left hand and pushed a piece of gum out of the foil pack into my mouth and cut my lip on the foil. How L33t am I? So then I got home and there was no internet connection. No need to panic, I can figure it out. well I couldn't and somehow wound up chipping a tooth on the cable. How dumb am I? So at 8 I decided my day could not get any better, and decided to go to sleep. after 15 minutes of sleep, my buddy called me, so I chatted with him for a while. and went back to sleep.

I really wanted to play ffXI. ah well. I relearned a valuable lesson, your teeth are no sobstitute for needle nosed pliers. oh yeah, and foil cuts on your lip suck. It's bleeding again this morning.

feel sick

I stayed home yesterday because I felt awful, and today I feel almost as bad. I really hope no one needs anything complex out of me today. I know that I won't be able to deliver. Maybe if they need an emergency nap taken or quiet time, I'll be able to get on that, but anything work related will not be as quick.

Monday night I had a flat tire. apparently I have the worst luck with tires. I don't know how many I've had to change over the years. oh well, it happens.

I'm gonna shut down now, and hope that my files aren't as corrupted on reboot.

MMORPG

I am soooooooo dumb. I spent the entire weekend playing Final Fantasy XI online. Ok so it wasn't dumb, it was pretty fun. But anyway, just the fact that I started was dumb, because now I'll play it like a junkie for a while. darn it.

Last night I was up until after 12 because of that. that and my own stupidity.

Today's song is the FF victory tune, because it means I have leveled. YAY!!!

Who do you think you are?

SO, it's been a while since I posted. I know I know, I said I would write every day. But I haven't. Isn't that how all relationships go? Everything's nice and neat and fun in the beginning, but after awhile you feel like you're just giving and giving and giving and pooring your heart out.

So here's the update, the dime summary. Went out with a girl I met through eharmony.com. not that I registered, but she put her email address in her profile and I saw it before they deleted her profile. Anyway, we had talked and texted, and I knew something weird was up. She would text me with stuff like, I miss you, and I was thinking of you, and she hadn't even met me yet. Now, I know I'm a likeable guy, but that's sort of ridiculous. THis trips all sorts of warning bells in my head, you know. I've got problems, I know I can't deal with someone else's co-dependency issues, but I figure, maybe she's playing. So we go out and grab some dinner, she's ok. Not my type physically, but for intelligence and personality, I am more than willing to excuse any physical issues I have in my head. Anyway, yeah she was totally into me. And as we talked, I realized she wasn't playing, and she really wasn't all that bright or interesting. I had to end it. Physical attraction is the least important part of anything, because physical beauty fades, but this girl was 0 for 3. I know that's harsh, but I had this urge to just go along with her for a while so that I didn't hurt her. I know that would've wound up being worse.

Sometime before that I started going to a therapist. needed to. I was feeling awful. Not physically, although I was feeling pretty tired most of the time, probably because of the depression. Ah well. So I started talking to a therapist, and getting things out in the open. The hardest thing for me is to share what I am feeling. It took me a while, and really tore me up each time I talked to her in the beginning. I think it's helping. I know I need to experience my life, my feelings, my pain, instead of hiding from it.

I told Janelle that we shouldn't be friends. I wasn't ok with just being friends when other people were around because she didn't feel comfortable around me. Well shit, you don't feel comfortable around me because we used to date and I would've liked to get back together, what kinda weird shit is that? You know, I was perfectly content not to have that conversation, but you had to just start emailing me out of the blue after many months of not a word. I figured since you kept talking about how good we were together you meant that you wanted to get with me again. YOu're crazy lady. OK, so I couldn't tell her to her face so I bitch about it here. sorry folks.

I thought I was done with Amber texting me, but then out of the blue she started again. That's ok, she's not interested in me, and I'm not interested in her.I can be friends with someone like that, I think. If not, it's easy enough to just text back, leave me alone.

10th high school reunion is coming up. How weird is that? I hate to think about the fact that I don't remember anyone. Well I remember a few people, bud odds are I'll never ever see them again. Here's hoping a few single women had the same thought I did, "I bet other people will show up looking for a hook up.

Today's song "Blister in the Sun"

Blech, cat vomit

So, for some reason, kitty seems to think that the proper place for him to get sick, is in my bed. Whether I'm asleep in it or not. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that the reason he's getting sick is that he's eating too much at a time. He also apparently won't drink water unless I stand there and watch him. Cat is a very dumb and confusing animal. People wonder why I call him cat most of the time. It's odd, but it makes more sense to me. I call people man, dude, or even girl. Why not call cat, cat?

I love my kitty. I don't know why I've got such an awesome little guy, guess sometimes good fortune smiles on us all and whatnot.

how soon is now?

I've got a donut, so that's pretty good. life is less fectacular than usual because of that.

do you know the way to San Jose?

I want to go somewhere. I want to spend hours playing with toys. I want to fall in love. I want to get some.

Ah, the desires of youth. If I'm going to wish, better to work on getting the really big ones out of the way. Love, exciting and new. Except for those of us who don't have it and are frightened.

stupid emotions. I bet things would be better if I could get some pill to make them all just slide away.

Today's song "Burn" by Nine Inch Nails.

This is my life. This is the story of my life. Every word is a moment of my life. This is the story that I tell other people about my life. Do you love it yet?

I got the new NIN album. I used to think the best think about Trent Reznor's music was the words. This is not true for the newest album. What a gigantic steaming pile of shite it is. Ok maybe not that bad, but lord it's not good. Pretty Hate Machine was good, Broken was good, Downward spiral was great, the Fragile was ok and so is with teeth. What happened to his attempt at making music. Now it sounds like he put his drum machine on percussion repeat and started just repeating himself through 4-5 minutes of my life ad nauseum.

ad nauseum, is that latin for "induces nausea"? maybe my description is less than fair if that's the case.

I'm depressed. Have been for a while. I don't even want to put myself out an inch as far as dating is concerned. Women are not worth the effort or frustration, so they can just do without their favorite whipping boy, me.

Today's song, "Hurt" NIN back when it sounded good.

Runaway bride?

It's not just a Julia Roberts movie anymore. It's news. A woman bought an open ended bus ticket several weeks back. The day before her wedding, she takes off her engagement ring, grabs some cash and takes off for Austin Texas on a bus. Wooo, a Bus, high class there.

Once she gets to Austin Texas, she looks at her cash and realizes she's got enough money to get another bus ticket. Does she decide to head back for the wedding where 600 guests are waiting? She decides to take a bus ride to Las Vegas Nevada. Hmmm, road trip to Vegas, with no pesky ring to get in the way??? that's hardly suspicious at all.

At some point she realizes people are going to miss her, so she fakes a 911 call saying that she's been abducted. Well, that'll keep everyone from worrying. When she's finally reunited with her fiancee, he puts the ring back on her finger and says that they're still engaged. How stupid is he? he said that she ran, not because of the wedding, or him, or anything like that, she just had some stuff to work out. Yeah, she had to work out her case of the crazies. She's a whack job if she decides to take a trip without telling anyone and fakes a 911 call. and he's nuts if he knew about the ticket and wasn't worried.

Plus the county wants to sue her to reimburse them for the $60,000 they spent on search efforts. If he marries her, he gets crazy lady, AND a brand new debt. If I were related to her, I'd get her disowned for making me travel and get dressed for a wedding, and buy a gift for the wedding, that not even she wanted to attend.

Today's song, "Love Stinks"

there's good and bad in everything

You know, I spend an awful lot of time complaining about women. Like I can't live without one or something. It's more like I'm waiting impatiently for the right one. However, I am not going to shackle myself to the first woman that comes along. In fact I have avoided that trap in the past.

But to get to the point of todays rant. I spent the entire weekend doing nothing. I didn't go out, I didn't see other people. I gardened, I sat around in my boxers for 8 hours straight playing a video game. These are all things I couldn't do if I were seeing someone. They'd need to do something, go somewhere, not play around with some toys for 5 hours on Saturday. There are good things about being single. When I don't feel like bothering with anyone, I don't have to.

I've been getting more and more solitary lately. I don't know why, and really I don't care. Most of the time I'd rather not hang out or go out of my way to see anyone. Maybe I'm turning into Gollum. I wanted to see a movie this weekend, but did not. Maybe I still can.

I'm planning a dinner party for next weekend. I know, I just got through talking about how I liked being alone, but I like cooking, and cooking just for me is too much of a hassle.

Today's song "Darling Nikki" choose your version, foo fighters or Prince.

P.S. maybe I need some new porn. lol

Sound and fury signifying nothing

I am a poor player that struts and frets my hour upon the stage. Hmmmm, I hat me sometimes. Those seem to be the times I remember this blog.

Hello, I hate you Ryan. I hope you have a craptacular day.

I go out with women I am not interested in. Why? because it seems like a better idea than being alone, up until the point when I go out with them. I'd love to find someone that I can feel something for, have a connection with, but I don't think I really can.

I wonder when Liza's getting married. Someone mentioned her the other day and it really put me in a black funk. why do I still have feelings for her? why can't I exorcise this particular demon? Why does the aftermath of love feel like the aftermath of war?

It's been almost 4 years since we were together. I guess when I fell I fell hard. All you people out there that are in love suck. It could be the wheel of life. I think though that I'm broken. I don't want to get close to anyone. I saboutage myself I think. Or for some reason, the only women attracted to me are women I want nothing to do with.

Well, my vision's swimming so I think it's time to go.

world of greys

I'm sitting here staring at a big water spot on the ceiling. No real reason, I'm just staring at it because it's there and it's different. It's big and ugly and brown. I'm not feeling particularly anything, less angsty that lately, if nothing else.

I wish that things were a little more black and white. I would rather know the good and the bad of things instead of just seeing it and going, hmmm, it is.

I washed my car the other day, but did not get it entirely clean, which is fine because it rained the next day and I got dust all over my car because I live in a desert city.

I miss being in love.

Today's song "Wishfull Sinful" by the Doors.

stop me if you've heard this one

That's right, I've realized that my life and all of my travails are a joke. After all, there's nothing seriously wrong with my life. There's nothing really wrong with me either. I am just off. So all of this B.S. I whine and complain about is really nothing, but it is something to me. If I didn't say anything about it, it would fester inside. Not that it doesn't already fester. So, Amber didn't call me, but then again, she talked to me for longer than I expected after meeting me. I don't really care except I am tired of rejection. I'm tired of me.

The last time I tried getting a psychologist, I left a messageexplaining that I had been incredibly depressed for a while but was finding it hard to function. And I didn't hear from any of them, woo, these people obviously know how to help heal a wounded psyche. Now I feel like I need to talk to somebody again, but I don't trust them. Maybe they'll call me back if I tell the truth. "Doctor, I need to schedule an appointment because I hate myself and feel like hurting myself. But, I don't think you'll call because none of you doctors ever call back to help and some doctors completely changed people I loved into people I couldn't be around. So if you don't call back, I'm expecting that and it's typical of the whole useless profession."

Am I just tired? I feel like I've been sleeping ok, but then again I also feel the urge to crawl in bed for as long as I can. What are my goals in life? feel better, fall in love, and have a family. For those of you out there that have successfully accomplished these three goals, I hate you.

Today's song "You're ugly" by Butt Trumpet

women, the anti-truth

So for those of you out there who bet on the date not lasting onger than 2 hours, you got your money. Everyone else, sorry, you're all losers, just like me. I don't know about anyone else, but when I get to thinking about women, it makes me want to drink. Because drinking is satisfying in its self-destructive nature.

We went to lunch, I had originally told her 2, then she texted on Saturday to see if I still wanted to do something, and we spoke, and I said 2. and at a bit after 1 when I was on my way over, she texted me to see if 3 was ok. Ok then. I picked up a flower and met her at 3. Yeah, I could see the thought process, "Oh, so that's what he looks like in person. too bad." Ok so maybe not exactly, but I get the feeling that neither one of us was in the right place to make this date really fun.

We went to lunch, and I knew we weren't likely to do something else when she got a to go box and was talking about how tired she was. So I said, "Well, do you want to go play pool or something like that? Or do you want me to take you home?" "You should take me home. I'm so tired." Ok then, 1 lunch later, and 4:15 in the afternoon, deffintiely time to end a date. On the way out she was like "When I feel better we should go play pool, I like playing pool." ok, hmmmm, kind of positive, but she could've found something to do if she wanted to hang with me that's ot as strenuous as pool. She seemed confounded as to why I had a transformer in my car. Did I tell her that I have a large toy collection? Nope, because she seemed so disdainful of the one little one I had that was also a key chain. No matter how bad the date goes, don't make yourself look worse. So I took her back to her place, and she had her seat belt off and was looking for her purse before I even stopped the car. woo, that's bad. So, I didn't turn off the car, and once she was out, I took off. Don't look like an idiot by trying to walk her to the door, if she's already half way out of your car before the wheels have stopped.

So I called my friends, they're all doing stuff. I went home and got depressed. Then Scott and Miriam called to see if I wanted to do anything. They actually came out to my place. They're so sweet. Aber called me that night. Why did she call you might ask, if she was trying that hard to get away? I don't know. She said she was feeling sick. She texted me yesterday, again not feeling great, actually I wasn't either. And then she called when I had Gladiator blaring on my TV. I called after the movie was over and left her a voice mail. I also texted her good night. Why did I do that if I hadn't heard from her after the voice mail? I'm an idiot, that's why.

I also dug up a phone number of a girl I don't like and have no interest in, but she likes me. I dunno, we had a moment a few months back, and I thought that maybe . . . but I think she saw through my crap. Anyway now I need to make an effort to be nice with her if I want to explore the possibility. Do I really want that? probably not. But, I did find one useful piece of info, Craig was complaining about me hanging out with a girl one time back in October. He may have sabotaged me, the dick.

Today's song forget it, I can't even think of one today.

Don't know who you are on a sunday afternoon.

Some days I wonder if it might be easier to forget who I am for a while. It might be relaxing to not have a history. Not have any of the garbage in my past that makes me such a broken person. I'm tired. I should get some sleep tonight, but I know I won't. It's going to rain tomorrow, but I have to wash my car and clean it out inside, or else I'll look like a slob to the new girl. I will also have to clean my house, just in case she wants to hang out there. Plus there's a strange and mysterious odor there.

Wish me luck tomorrow as I try to stomp out the flames of rejection.

Today's song "I will survive" Cake's version.

Thursday doesn't even start

Ok, so I worked out yesterday, had a soda, had some pizza, and brought some doughnuts to work, Dunkin not those Krispy Kreme pieces of trash, and my outlook is better, if fatter. So what I will do now is try to come up with ideas for my "date" on Saturday. Is it a date? I don't know anymore. We don't discuss things I would normally consider to be pre-date ideas. I'm trying oh so very hard to be funny and charming, and not fat. I don't know how it's coming across.

To let you know, I am 6' tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, and weigh about 215. I'm not enormously overweight, but it's enough that it bothers me, because I have the predisposition to sit around on my ass. So I've been trying lately to work out, I spend about 20 minutes doing cardio, walking at 3.5-4 miles an hour, and then I punch it up to about 8 miles an hour for as long as I can go comfortably. I do curls at 50 lbs, as many as I can do at one time, yesterday I did 50. It's a good way to tone quickly. I do chest extensions, leg lifts, and ab work. I kill myself with ab work, because I hate my soda belly. Yesterday I did 120 crunches, I'm trying to work my way up day by day. I hope to get up to 150 by the end of the week.

Anyway, my plan for saturday so far includes, giving her some flowers, taking her to dinner at the restaurant she told me she likes best, and then if things go ok, do something else, my current plans include club, movie, mini golf, arcade, bar, comedy club, or something of her choosing. If things go really well, maybe hang out at my place.

I got some of that Axe body wash. It says it's specially formulated to get you the girls. I find this difficult to believe, but I liked the way it smelled. So Saturday, I'll wash my car, straighten my house, shave to a nice clean goatee, dress in mostly clothes I bought at Express, because I love those clothes, and pick up some flowers, something nice but not too expensive, maybe a small mixed bouqet. I'll have my teeth freshly laundered, and gum in the pocket. What are the odds that things will go well? Let's check the Vegas odds.

She won't even leave the house 1:10
She'll decide that she wants us both to stay in 1:20
We have dinner and she offers to split the check 1:5
We have dinner and then she wants to be taken home 1:2
We have dinner and she wants to go do something else w/ me 1:3
She goes home and wants to do something again 1:4
She goes home and I get the friend/sweet guy brush off 1:3
She wants to hang out some more after doing something else 1:10
She wants to spend the night with me 1:30
I make a complete ass of myself 1:1

So there you have the Vegas odds.

Place your bets where you will. I'm putting my money on the longshot. Because I have dreams and I believe my luck will change.

Today's song is "Friday I'm in Love" by the cure, because I don't feel I've been positive enough lately.

in case you were wondering

apparently I am preparing myself mentally for a not successful date. does that make it right to talk like this? no. Does it really make me feel better? no. Does it make me feel like crap thinking about all of this hateful garbage i have been spewing? yes. I do feel like I need to get it out before it festers and eats me from inside though.

Maybe the world would be happier if I became a eunuch. I don't imagine I would be though.

Money can't buy me love

I was thinking yesterday, and I came up with a brilliant solution to the whole dating nightmare. The solution is to recoup your losses.

While it may not be possible to regain the dignity and self respect that you had before your bad date, you may be able to recoup some of your financial losses and possibly elicit some revenge. At the end of a date, when you think things are going well and she lets you know that she's not interested, present her with an invoice. Why should we pay as well as have a perfectly bad evening? A friend suggests that you not do this if you are hoping to be introduced to her friends, but in my experience that possibility is negligible. If she milks you for several dates, nothing progresses, and then she ends it, then present an invoice for all dates leading up to that one.

If you get physical though, you have just voided your claims to recompense. If you call it off, you are not reasonable in requesting a refund. If you have been dating a woman for a while, and she breaks your heart, are we a litigious enough society to make it possible to sue her for heartbreak? However, if that happens, you are opening yourself up to also being sued.

I know the billing for rejection is a non-workable idea, but I happen to enjoy the thought of getting back some of what I put into the date if she decides I'm too nice, or not sparky enough or whatever. Maybe doing this would make me just a big enough jerk where she would change her mind about me.

Today's song is tainted love by soft cell or marilyn manson.

being a bastard works

So here I am thinking again. I'm thinking about how every time I am nice, sweet, attentive and romantic, I get shit on. Women constantly say that they want a man that treats them well, that listens, that does nice things for them, is sweet, and cares about their families. It's not true. I know that any woman reading this will say, "Oh but it is. I want a guy who treats me right, I would love a guy to buy me flowers. I would love a guy to take me out and not try to get over on the first date." I say Bollocks. If there's anything that nice guys have learned over the years, it's that women have absolutely no idea what they want. They think that they want all this stuff (I just want someone who makes me laugh) but wind up going after the guys who treat them like shit.

Oh no, that's unfair of me, not every woman does this. Bollocks. A guy who treats you nice isn't going to spark your interest. There's no challenge in it. There's no project to him, to find the good guy deep inside. Let me tell you something, these guys don't have a good guy deep inside. All that this bloody stupid behavior does is make nice guys bitter and resentful, and more likely to stop being nice guys. My favorite is when I am being nice to a woman I like, listening to her complain about the latest wanker that she's with, and hear the phrase, "I wish I could find someone like you." Uhm, hello, I'm right here, and I'm just like me. In fact I am an exact replica of me. The original, the one and only. Why not say it like it is, "I wish I could find someone who is like you when I want him to be, but is still the guy I am with." Or when women that I am interested in give me the non-reassuring "I'm sure that you'll find someone"

Apparently there is something wrong with me, that these women aren't willing to address with me, but is enough to cancel out any good qualities they may see in me. Being nice makes me seem like one of their girlfriends. And this is not a thing I want to be, after all I am a boy, and I want to bee their boyfriend.

New plan, I will bring a flower to a woman, but instead when I meet up with them, it'll be "So what are you making for dinner?" "You wanna come to my place, I've got plenty of booze?" I'm through being a used tissue.

Today's song "cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent

Bollocks

So, here I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't ignore my own rules and buy a woman flowers for a first date. Am I wrong about the flowers? Are they a good idea? Does it even matter as the forces of nature are against me finding someone? Maybe not nature, but some sort of forces.

I think I'll try it. After all, can it hurt any more than just being me? Probably not. Maybe I should get really liquored up, that would probably be pretty funny. For me if for no one else.

The world is just too horrible to contemplate on a date without a bit of booze. I can see this date ending badly. Why not, history teaches us that bad dates are a fact of life. Maybe this time I can avoid the nice guy stigma by becoming liquored up asshole. That sounds like a perfectly reasonable trade off. If nothing else, I'll make it a memorable date. Hopefully I can get a leg over though.

I have to work out this week, I have to watch what I eat and try to slender up a bit. I know I can't really muscle out. I also need to go home each night and clean and organize. I started to, but I'm not done yet. Tonight I will finish dishes, laundry and putting my new computer together.

I picked up my new couch. I love my new couch. It's a nice couch. It's sueded microfiber, and it's so much nicer than my old couch. My parents gave me the computer that they are not using. That's nice.

today's song is Stone Cold Crazy the Metallica version.

sheep

The public at large are herd animals, sheep. They see something on TV or in movies and have to do the same thing. I read that because of "Million Dollar Baby" interest in female boxing has increased. I remember after Top Gun, everyone wanted to be a naval aviator, wear bomber jackets and sleep with Kelly Mcgillis. I remember our class singing "Unchained Melody" to my 5th grade teacher.

I have comments, people actually read my blog sometimes. I feel so validated.

So I've been talking to this other girl for a couple weeks now, she seems cool. I'm probably not her type. After all I am beginning to get the impression that I am no girl's type. Actually I get this impression, because she sounds like a neat freak, and I am a typical guy, so she'll probably hate that about me. She works out all the time, and I just recently started exercising, because I realized that I had put on all kinds of weight in the last year, like 20 lbs, and no matter what, that's not good. So I laid off the soda. Anyway, I just get the impression that I'm not the kind of guy she would be looking for. But still I talk with her and don't hint at my misgivings. Why? well, that's a good question. It must be because I am stupid and/or pathetic.

Today's song Love Song by the Cure

duplicate entries deleted.

ok so blogger played a trick on me and posted twice. grrrrr. well it's gone now.

4 months salary

I heard today that the current standard for an engagement ring is 4 months salary. Who says? I think a woman should be thrilled to just get a ring and have someone who is willing to commit to putting up with her shit forthe rest of his life. Or until they decide to divorce. Isn't it special enough that the guy gets down on one knee, hands you a shiny rock in a metal ring and says, "I want to put up with your craziness every day from now on, living in the same house where we can't get away from each other. I am willing to give up all the things I want to do or have, and get rid of half my possessions, and give up any opinion I might ever have." But I guess not, they also want us to purchase this very special gift with an item, that can easily be lost which costs the same as a good TV or a fair used car. Something that he's never likely to recoup, because it's just a down payment on the big party, and the rest of his life purchasing more jewelry.

I also heard that Divorce is more acceptable to people than someone who has never been married. I call bullshit. They say it's because if you've never been married, it's a sign of immaturity. Wouldn't it more imply immaturity if you get married, when you're not sure it is right and forever, than someone who waits until it is right?

Today's song is Control by Puddle of Mudd

dating observations

I've found a few things about dating that I figured I would share with anyone unlucky enough to have found my blog. It's just some stuff that I felt like sharing.

1. No matter how bad a date is, it will generally not last shorter than 1 hour. 1 hour appears to be the minimum amount of time that you can spend with someone that you're incompatible with. Amazingly enough, a meal seems to extend out to 1 hour no matter where you go, even if you just have 1 course.

2. Women will decide upon first meeting you if they will ever sleep with you. Nothing that you do will change this opinion towards the positive. However they will revise their decision to the negative, depending on how you act. A guy on the other hand has decided sight unseen that he would sleep with a woman, it just depends how much alcohol is involved once he meets them.

3. A first date does not accurately convey a person's personality. It conveys a fake personality, whether it is through nervousness, or pretending to be someone else. Your best bet is to wait for a second date, and see who they are then.

4. Never bring flowers on the first date. Women do not know how to react to flowers. Apparently no one gives flowers anymore. It implies too much desperation, or too much in the way of co-dependency. Women do not like either desperation or co-dependency. They also do not like being treated like a lady.

5. Do not kiss her on the first date. Again this implies desperation, or that you're trying to get somewhere that involves nudity. Or that you're a lunatic. This rule however is superceded by secret exception 1. This is the exception that says, if you are just trying to get somewhere naked and dont care if you see her again, go for it. Secret exception 2 is that if you both discussed fornication previously, it means that she has activated female secret agenda 1. Female secret agenda 1 is, get somewhere naked.

Today's song is Love Shack by the B-52's. not because I like that song, but because it somehow goes with this entry.

Home

I was listening to the radio this morning, and I didn't like it. First, these Diet Coke with Lime commercials are so incredibly annoying, I change the station or just turn it off. The current one is slightly less annoying than the previous one, but it is still fairly annoying.

But that's not the part that annoyed the shit out of me. There is this song, you may have heard it, called "Home" by three days Grace. I listened to it a while back without actually hearing and thought, well that's ok. Then I actually listened to the lyrics, what a bunch of immature whiners. It sounds like this guy is complaining about his girl, and how she doesn't want to be around him. Ok so I can empathize. Then he's like, "By the time you get home, I'm already stoned. You turn off the TV and scream at me." Uhm dude, I lost my sympathy. If I wasn't working, but sitting around all day toking up and watching cartoons, I am positive that any girl i would be seeing would yell at me too. Something probably along the lines of get a job, stop doing drugs, clean up around here if you're not working, get out of my house with your shit. I tell you, I'm pretty ok with rock music, but not whiny loser rock music.

Today's song is Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones

I see, change Templates and the thing works

So, after all this time of playing with the settings to try to get headers and comments and my email address to work, it took changing to a new template to make it all work. That's annoying.


Anywho, today I had 2 things to talk about that had absolutely nothing to do with fixing my blog.

1. Hunter S. Thompson commited suicide yesterday at his home in Colorado. If you do not know Hunter S. Thompson, he was a doctor of Journalism, the father of gonzo journalism, and a pure headache for many editors and people in positions of authority. You may have seen Fear and Loathing in las Vegas, or Where the Buffalo Roam, or rad one of his many works, books of articles, letters, essays, or assorted vile bits of nastiness. You may have read his novel the Rum Diary, soon to be a film starring Johnny Depp. You may have even read the DC/Vertigo comics series titled Transmetropolitan which was almost deffinitely inspired by him. There's no indication as to why this man killed himself, but he will assuredly be missed.

2. Constantine. Constantine, what is there to say about a movie based on a comic starring Keanu Reeves. Is it Matrix 4 Neo is Constantine? no, fortunately for the entire human race. For those who don't know John Constantine Hellblazer is a comic book from DC's horror imprint Vertigo. John Constantine is a magic user, pretty much an all around awful human being, he smokes, he drinks, he uses up his friends and scams everybody. He is actually one of the most interesting characters that DC is publishing. He is also British, which is an entirely different kind of nasty than American nasty. We never had to live with Thatcher. Which was a primary misgiving I had for Constantine. I feared it because of three main problems, Comic movies are almost never good, especially if they are not primarily action oriented, Keanu Reeves is not a good actor, and is not British. Keanu is a movie celebrity, he almost always plays himself. He generally can pull off a moron from California fairly convincingly. However, apart from my misgivings I went and saw the film. I was actually fairly surprised at the film. It was better than I could have feared. It still wasn't as good as it could have been, but it was nowhere near as abyssmal as I expected. You should see it.

Yesterday, I was thinking of something I heard one time. "Never trust a creature that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die." I should listen to advice like that more often. "Never again" should mean something to me. never trust, never let the walls down, and never make myself vulnerable. Men complain about women because they make no logical sense, ok, women are creatures of emotion. They claim to want certain things, but when presented with them, invariably retreat and seek out a provider who will not provide those things, but will treat them like shit. My resolution is "No more flowers, no more romance, no more cuddling, or opening doors." If women have to this point proven to me that they prefer to be treated like they are nothing, that's what they will be. I hope that you're all very happy with yourselves, you've turned another good man.

Today's song "So What" Anti Nowhere league or Metallica.

I am thinking about creating a different blog, because this one really doesn't appear to be working. My broken blog.

Life is funny, not in the humorous laugh out loud type of funny, but in the, gee, that's odd type of funny. Maybe that's not even really accurate. Life is a pile of shit heaped upon a clown doing magic.

Today's song is Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones.

So it's Wednesday, judging by yesterday's events, I feel completely justified in my antipathy towards Tuesdays. Most people hate Mondays, and I feel that they are well within their rights. But to me, the most insidious day of the week is Tuesday. It sneaks up to you and punches you in the nuts, when you're just feeling good about getting past Monday.


Today's song is Blame by Gravity Kills

So, dating is bullshit. I can't believe I got an email breakup. I can't believe I got it the day after Valentine's. What is this spark thing? I know I have heard this bullshit email message before, or something remarkably similar.

"Sounds like you've got a busy weekend planned. I was thinking about last night and yes I think it went ok too. I've had a nice time with you these past couple of days and I think you are a great person but I just don't feel a spark between us. You are very sweet and I wish you luck and thank you again for everything."

hmmm, well what an incredibly positive review of a poor stint of dating.

Sorry about the monkeys

Yesterday I posted something I had received in my email quite some time ago. I guess it was just a bizarre attempt to hang on to a part of my life that made no sense. So if you didn't like it, too bad.

So here's an update on my life. On Thursday last week, I met a girl from an online dating service. For the first time, it seemed like the girl was actually worthwhile. So I took her out again on Saturday, we went to Gameworks that night. It was fun, I kissed her, that in itself is a bit of a story from some cheesy romantic comedy. Last night I went to her place and met her daughter.

seeing her with her daughter was something. Her daughter is a little cutie. watching her with her daughter made me feel good. I know I'd like to be a father someday, and watching this display confirmed it. I would like for things to go well with the two of us, and for her daughter to like me too.

It's been a while, but I can feel like there may be something there. I miss that feeling.

Today's song is Baba O'Reilly by the Who

I LIKE MONKEYS

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn'tallowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wetone. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys

maybe I just don't get it.

So I have a bad habit of purchasing DVDs on a whim. I know it's not a good idea, because I generally just purchase whatever crap catches my eye. Plus it costs money I shouldn't be spending on something I don't need and most likely am not going to watch anytime soon. But, that's not the point of this little rant. So I purchase DVDs all the time from different places. Recently though, whenever I purchase DVDs at Wal-Mart, they card me. I'm not sure what part of my 28 year old physique reminds them of someone who is 17 or younger. Maybe it was the full beard I was sprouting, or the smile lines coming in. Maybe it's the fact that kids call me sir "Excuse me sir." Maybe it's the fact that the last few times I ordered drinks, they didn't card me. That's right folks, I get hasseled more for purchasing a movie that I've been legal to see for the last 11+ years, than for alcohol. What part of my life does this make sense in? You know I never got carded at the porno store. Actually once when I was 18 I did. And it's been the same amount of time since I got carded at the strip clubs. What sort of sense does it make? I know that Wal-Mart is like a cultural backwater that kowtows to the religious right and every fat old woman who has an opinion about what is wrong with this country, but do they really need to shove their B.S. on me? as far as I am concerned Wal-Mart can sell whatever it is that they want. They can continue selling guns, spray paint, tobacco, alcohol, birth control, Sudafed, sugared snacks, diet pills and various other questionable items, but I'll be damned if I let them sell me an R rated movie without making sure I'm old enough where it's not going to corrupt my brain. I want them to censor what music I can listen to, but sell video games that are incredibly violent and promote theft and violence against the police.

I know that Wal-Mart is not the repository of all values, I just want them to stop carding me. Spend more time providing a fair working environment for all employees, and less time hasseling me.

I guess not

damn it all I keep getting in this loop where it publishes 0% for 10 minutes straight and I start playing with it again.

comments enabled?

I tried to enable comments today. did it work? do you love me? do you hate me? would you sleep with me?

did you know that between 10:56:00 and 10:56:59 today 239 blogs were posted on this webpage. I don't know if that's a cry for help or not.

Last night I tried smacking myself around. I don't think I really hate myself. I think I just have nowhere for some of my awful, bad feelings to go. I want to get a punching bag. I think that might help a bit, I may be wrong, but it seems like a good plan. I want to be angry, I want to hate, but all I feel is nothing. I just don't feel good, so maybe that's not the same as feeling bad. It could just be semantics.

I'm nobody,
Who are you?
Are you
Nobody too?

I don't wish for death, after all, if I died, I'd have nothing left. I have rejected religion and stopped praying, because prayers are unanswered. Love is unrequited. faith is unfounded. Sins are unforgiven.

I slept poorly last night. I thought more about Liza this morning, I think about her more when I sleep poorly. You would think that after 4 + years of being apart and 2 years of not talking to or seeing one another I would have given up by now. This is why I think love is horrible. How is it that I can still have feelings for someone that I haven't talked to in years? It's been 8 months since I was seeing someone. And if you don't count the things that weren't actually dates, it's been that long since my last date. It's been over a year since the last time I started seeing someone new. Do I really want to immerse myself in this shit? probably not.

I feel like the part of me that can care about someone else is broken. It's stuck on the default setting of missing Liza, and will not allow me to feel something for someone else. Maybe I just haven't met the right girl. Who wants to do this again though? who wants to take the chance of opening up and caring and having it end? Love always ends, in my experience.

I wish I had more sleep last night. It would make the world so much easier to face today. I could just stare it in the eyes and tell it to go to hell. Big bad world always getting up in my face. Maybe it's allright for that part of me to feel broken or sleeping. Maybe it's ok that the things I feel most for in this world are pets. Maybe it's ok not to cry. Actually, is it ok for men to cry? I forget the rules. It used to be the thing, and before that it used to be a negative. I cried when Liza ended it, and I cried when I realized it truly was over. I cried when my cat was diagnosed as sick, and I decided to put him to sleep. I also cried when my cat died and I buried him. 4 times in 4+ years, hmmmm, is that good or bad? Sometimes I wish I could cry. Maybe it would be a pure release to just let go, sob and become a shuddery, slobbery, sniffling mess. I did that the last time on the day our relationship was over.

What do you like to do on 1st dates? I have no idea. It's been a year since my last 1st date. I've hung out with a couple girls, but quickly learned that it really was not something, it was just a thing. Of course you don't care. If you cared, you wouldn't be just reading this. Does that mean I don't care because I'm writing it?

Today's song is Tell all the People by the Doors